So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
