thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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