your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
