You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
