Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
