I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
