Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
