I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
