I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
