This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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