Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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