I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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