He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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