How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
