The maid of honor just puked.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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