Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
