All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
