My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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