he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
