1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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