omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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