well I can't set my house on fire every night
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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