I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
