I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
