Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
