I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
