I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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