So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
