Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
