Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
