We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
there is glitter all over my balls
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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