ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
not ubering you a puppy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
