my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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