A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
