Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
