At least make sure they are 18
Why
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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