Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
