I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
