even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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