i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just invented taco cereal.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
