I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
