Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She's the barista slut.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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