Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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