I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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