I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
