Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
