He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
