I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
