i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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