I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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